Lead me...

It has been one year to the day since I first heard this song. I remember exactly where I was: at the courthouse in Okeechobee... Sitting in the car while my best friend went in for her divorce hearing. I was trying to be a support to her. I remember thinking, "I can't imagine going through the pain of divorce, and I wouldn't want to be alone. So I will be God's hands and feet and walk this painful road with my sister in Christ."

For the next 6 weeks, I searched YouTube for this song. I was ecstatic when they posted this video- I wanted to share this song with my husband and had been looking for it. I was one of the 1st 200 viewers.....



now look at my life. too little, too late? We may never know. I know that I tried. Some may say that I didn't try hard enough, but they were not there. I was.
This is my life now. It is what it is. I have been forgiven for the places where I have fallen short and daily, I recommit myself to the God who loves me like no other. He alone can truly lead me down a path that will not lead to destruction.

I sing this line to the Lord often, "Father lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone."

God's word makes a difference in me.....

Today I discovered Isaiah chapter 54.
The words in this chapter ministered to the brokenness in my heart and addressed many of the false mindsets that I have carried around with me...... I will let the words from Isaiah speak for themselves....
(from the message)
Enjoy!

"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children
than all those childbearing women." God says so!
"Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope,
drive the tent pegs deep.
You're going to need lots of elbow room
for your growing family.
You're going to take over whole nations;
you're going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed.
Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.
You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!
Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
and God welcomed you back,
Like a woman married young
and then left," says your God.

7-8Your Redeemer God says:

"I left you, but only for a moment.
Now, with enormous compassion, I'm bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you—
but only for a moment.
It's with lasting love
that I'm tenderly caring for you.

9-10"This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
I promised then that the waters of Noah
would never again flood the earth.
I'm promising now no more anger,
no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won't walk away from you,
my covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart."
The God who has compassion on you says so.

11-17"Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
and all your walls with precious stones.
All your children will have God for their teacher—
what a mentor for your children!
You'll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
far from any trouble—nothing to fear!
far from terror—it won't even come close!
If anyone attacks you,
don't for a moment suppose that I sent them,
And if any should attack,
nothing will come of it.
I create the blacksmith
who fires up his forge
and makes a weapon designed to kill.
I also create the destroyer—
but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.
Any accuser who takes you to court
will be dismissed as a liar.
This is what God's servants can expect.
I'll see to it that everything works out for the best."
God's Decree.

Blueberry Pancakes

This morning Katie and I made blueberry pancakes together. I went to the gym with my sister WAY before the day started so that I could get my workout in while my Treasure was still sleeping.... she must have noticed I was gone because she was excited to hug me when I got home... guess I'll leave a little earlier next time! It was nice to put my headphones in and listen to worship music while I exercised until my muscles burned. I understand a new perspective on faith now that I've experienced the different machines at the gym too: just like the machines work different muscle groups- God allows us to go through many different kinds of trials in order to build our spiritual strength! Some circumstances work our faith through resistance, while others through repetition. All in all we never leave the "workout" the same as we were when it started- most likely we are stronger and a little sore!

Ok, back to my pancakes. It has been pointed out to me that instead of just trying to be a single parent and make it on my own I should reach down to Katie's level (make the challenges more fun). This week I am trying hard to do that. I have invited her to be a part of the day to day mundane routine that is work in a mom's day and it is actually fun- for both of us! I love to see her smile- it just makes my heart leap! This morning instead of quickly whipping breakfast together so I could get to my studies, I chose to make breakfast a new adventure. Katie basically made breakfast herself (except for the cooking part). I let her measure the mix, stir in the water and add the blueberries. Then she did something I've never heard of before- she reached into the pancake batter and started picking out the frozen blueberries and eating them! She told me they were dipped in pancake yummyness! hmmmmm

This journey has been difficult at times, but I will do the best I can and with God's strength and those spiritual workouts we'll figure it out!

I am not invisible

I was studying in my Humanities class about the cathedrals that were built in Rome during the Middle Ages and it reminded me of this video.

My professor was explaining the many factors that motivated the workmanship which went into the cathedrals and the architecture of that time. He explained that the religion at that time was Roman Catholicism and that Christianity was a major part of several aspects in the culture. The "church" resembled the Roman Empire and the hierarchy that it operated under. Beyond tying together the similarities he shared the impact that this mindset in culture had on every aspect of their lives.

I learned the hierarchy in the middle ages is expressed in:
Religion: the Catholic church with its several levels of authority, ranking from the top to the bottom.
Theology: the cosmos is a hierarchy- from the Father, to the Son, to the Holy Spirit, and all the way down to us.
Philosophy: the great chain of being- from the highest position to the flea on a dog. They believed that you couldn't change (or better) your position.
Architecture: the massiveness and ornate design of the cathedrals was meant to make a person feel very small- much like the way being in front of God would be. It represents the majesty of God and the power of the church.

{please note, these are perspectives of the Middle Ages, I'm not saying they represent the mindset of any modern religions or cultures today}

For many years, I felt as the Christians in the middle ages did, that I had no control over my status. "It is what it is", I would tell myself. I spent so much time trying to just get by that I never took the opportunity to really get to know God.

Life has changed for me and I have witnessed the overwhelming compassion of a God who is (still) tenderly teaching me that His ways are not my ways.

My Humanities class this week reminded me of the lesson I learned years ago from Nicole Johnson's "The Invisible Woman" skit. I am not invisible. It doesn't matter who sees what I do, what matters is that God sees and He cares.

Learning to write....

my little girl can write her name and mine now. i've never seen more beautiful handwriting in my whole life. if i write "I LOVE YOU" first, she can copy it. I love finding her sweet love notes and artwork all over my desk and the fridge.
she is my joy!

Little Girl

Finally, I think I've understood what people are trying to tell me. I know many have been praying for their words of wisdom to sink it and in the meantime, I have been running like a chicken with my head chopped off (yuck).
Maybe it doesn't look like it, but I really do make my decisions based on what I think is best for my little girl. She is my reason for making it during the seemingly overwhelming challenges and heartbreaks I've faced in the last year. She is why I smile. Her heart is so sweet, good and pure. She doesn't have ulterior motives, she just loves everyone unconditionally. How good God was to share a bit of Heaven with me! I love my little girl, she is my treasure, my joy! I'm so blessed to be her mommy.
I promise, I will put her first above all and I will teach her that God loves us and has carried us through these valleys. We don't walk alone because our God is with us! To those of you who have prayed for us during this whole separation and divorce process, thank you. Please keep praying. Only God can soothe the pain and heal the hurt of being a divided family. I wish that divided part wasn't so, but I have learned that some things are beyond our control- but nothing is out of HIS control- He will take care of His children. No matter what- we will never be alone!

Am I really making a difference?

It's been a long time since I've blogged.... for many reasons- but none worthy enough to even attempt an excuse.

So many days I feel like I just stumble through trying to make it. I struggle with keeping focused. I feel alone, even though I know God will never leave me or forsake me. There's so many other things going on in the world that are WAY bigger than my problems and I'm humbled when I turn on the news and see the destruction in Japan.

I don't feel like I'm making a difference though. Should I delete this blog? Start over?

So there's my randomness today. Maybe I'll blog more this month with better things to say.

Show Me YOUR Glory

I had the privilege of spending a time of fellowship with some of the ladies in our church this afternoon. It was a wonderful time of sharing and making plans for future opportunities to reach out and minister. My friend "Girl Erin" shared a bit of what God is teaching her in her own time with Him..... some of the scriptures she challenged us with were:

Revelation 2:2-5 (New Living Translation)
“I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I know you don’t tolerate evil people. You have examined the claims of those who say they are apostles but are not. You have discovered they are liars. You have patiently suffered for me without quitting. “But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first! Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you don’t repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches.

This scripture (particularly the part in bold)
knocked my socks off!
How often do I start something (relationship with family, my husband, my daughter, my church family or my friends) and not continue with my 100%? How many places does verse 5, "You don’t love me or each other as you did at first" apply in my life?
In my quiet time with the Lord? In my ministry? In my home?

Ephesians 4:1-5 (New Living Translation)
"Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism."

Unity is something that is hard to hold on to in any family. Instead of always trying to have our way or make our point we should strive for unity- as a family and as a church. Verse 4 talks about being bound together with peace. Where peace is present there is no room for conflict!
Unity.....something to strive to accomplish!

After our devotion time some of us shared prayer requests. There were several different needs in each of our lives..... but it mostly amounted to a need for Family Unity- which is what our devotion was about! I love how God works!

My heart was heavy as we circled around to pray. We were just a group of God's Girls, Sisters in Christ, praying for each others struggles and heartaches. Of course we pray for each other throughout the rest of the month but it was humbling and uplifting at the same time to have the chance to witness God work in this circle.

Each person who prayed, in her own way, asked God for strength, peace, wisdom and grace. There was a woman who has gone through tremendous struggles and trials- she thanked God for the miracles that He's worked in her life. (I would have been tired, worn out and weary if I were her.) One lady said "Lord, help us not to worry."
Many times during our prayer, we heard tremendous claps of thunder! LOUD, BOLD, THUNDEROUS Thunder! An audible awareness of God's presence with us. It was amazing!

Several weeks ago the song "Show me Your Glory" came on the radio and I've been singing it throughout my day since then. As we were praying those words just rang true in my heart..... "I caught a glimpse of Your splendor in the corner of my eye- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was like a flash of lightening reflected off the sky- and I know I'll never be the same!"



Show me Your Glory, send down Your Presence.
I want to see Your Face.
Show me Your Glory, Your Majesty shines about You
and I can't go on without You, Lord.

When I climb down the mountain and get back to my life, I won't settle for ordinary things.
I'm gonna follow you forever, for all of my days,
I won't rest until I see You again.



Show me Your Glory, send down Your Presence.
I want to see Your Face.
Show me Your Glory, Your Majesty shines about You
and I can't go on without You, Lord.

Today, I can tell you that I have seen God's Glory- His Majestic, Magnificent Glory. Today, our God made a difference in my life and I won't ever be the same......
I won't settle for ordinary anymore... I'm striving for unity and will carry with me a "first love" approach in my efforts to minister and make a difference in this life.

Your Grace.....It's Sufficient!

2 Corinthians 12:9
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."



"You have my heart
and I am YOURS forever
You are my strength
God of Grace and Power

Everything You hold in Your hand....
still You make time for me..... I can't understand...."

Those words are from "Unfailing Love" one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs.... it brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. Today one of the lyrics hit me and brought my innermost self to my knees. "EVERYTHING you hold in Your hand- still you make time for me- I can't understand"

How is it that the God of the Universe who holds EVERYTHING in His hand can even acknowledge my feelings? When I expected to feel forgotten- there He was for me- ministering to my heart and letting me know He loves me. Holding me and molding me.

One of my closest friends got divorced today. I don't want a debate on what the Bible says about divorce and all that stuff.... I feel like that is a decision that is only between the two married people who are involved in bearing the emotional consequences of that choice. I will not stand next to my brother or sister in Christ and condemn them for filing for a divorce- it is not mine to judge- only God's place. Alot of people would disagree with me, in fact my best friend who was the maid of honor at our wedding doesn't even speak to me anymore because of a discussion we had about divorce. I may not agree with or support many of the different decisions that my friends and family make but I WILL love that person unconditionally- we should strive to love people the way our Father in Heaven does.

I've never really been close to anyone going through divorce before. I didn't know what to expect or how to react. Today I just felt absolutely broken and stripped down- hurt by this situation that was beyond my control and yet I kept asking myself: what could I have done different? What did I do to contribute to this? Should I have spoke up? Kept quiet? What's the future going to be like? So many unanswered questions. I know there are things that I could have/should have done. In my effort to make a difference, today I tasted failure. The bitter, empty feeling of failure.

I was asked to go to the courthouse to be an emotional support. My heart was heavy and I just felt yucky. Marriage is such a precious, delicate gift- the thought of seeing it "officially" broken just crushed me. Sure we've witnessed the effects of broken trust in the last several months but the finalness of knowing something that was promised before God was no longer going to be looked upon as even existing. Can the law really break a pledge that was made before the Lord of Creation?
My thoughts were just chaos.

I called my momma and she prayed with me. That was HUGE to me because she came along side of me and together we approached God's throne. She prayed that God would calm my thoughts and give me wisdom to only speak what He wanted me to say. Momma encouraged me to find strength in HIM because His grace is sufficient. We talked a little longer about John 11:35. She said that Jesus wept not because Lazarus was dead because He knew He could (and would) bring him back to life but because His friends, Mary and Martha were hurting. WoW! Jesus weeps when we hurt, what a concept!

I don't really remember much about the drive to the courthouse- but I do know that it rained while they were in there..... God cried with me as I contemplated many of the thoughts I have shared in this blog so far.

As I listened to the radio "Unfailing Love" came on (a song that I've sung hundreds of times) but the lyrics I shared at the top of this post changed my heart.
"Everything You hold in Your hand.... still You make time for me..... I can't understand...." I thought about those words and felt the depth of what they mean! It was amazing to have a chance to worship MY Lord even in the valley- to raise my hands and sing to Him.
"You never change, God YOU remain the Holy One. How beautiful is Your Unfailing Love". I am thankful for God's fantastic Grace which gives me strength when I am weak. Maybe He allows opportunities for us to be weak so He can make us more like Him.... sure He does! That's what is says in 2 Corinthians.... "His power is made perfect in our weakness".
I will praise Him for my weaknesses!

I will thank Him for the difficult times.
It's a never ending challenge to make a difference.... but I appreciate those challenging moments when God shapes me and I fall at His feet!

Our God DAILY bears burdens!

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens. "
Psalm 68:19

I was thinking today about how much pain I see all around me.... orphaned children or kids that it just isn't safe for them to live with their biological families; friends who are carrying heavy loads emotionally; couples who are struggling financially- this world is FULL of heartache! Then I am reminded that this world is not our home. It's not supposed to be all sunshine and roses..... It's very important to treasure the precious little blessings and turn the big monster-like burdens over to our God!

In my quiet time with the Lord I was asking HIM to show me how to minister to specific people that He's placed on my heart this week.... My soul was burdened and I told HIM that. I was then reminded in Psalm 68 to Praise Him, MY Savior because HE daily bears our burdens! How fabulous is that!?

I am so thankful for a God who's patient and loves me enough to draw me close to Him and tenderly show me His Father-like love for me!

So as I start this new week- I'm looking forward to blogging more about how He renews my strength everyday to show me His will in ALL things!

See the world through the eyes of a child.....

I just found this quote...

"There is a garden in every childhood..an enchanted place where colors are brighter, the air softer, and the morning more fragrant than ever again..." ~Elizabeth Lawrence

It touched me and has also inspired me to take pictures from Katie's perspective.... not just photographs but to try to see the details that she appreciates and embrace the simplicity of life!



Wow! I can't wait for tomorrow so we can try this out!

More to this life

Today I was excited to get dressed up for Mother's Day.... Katie wore a Care Bears dress that I made for Amy 6 years ago.... I remember dreaming over that dress about my own little girl wearing it one day. Today that dream became a reality!

We stopped and got breakfast on the way to church. I felt this wonderful excitement for whatever the day had in store! After all it's MY day- Mother's Day!

But in the same moment of claiming the day to be mine my heart was convicted that this isn't MY day- but HIS.... it is God's day!

Instead of humbly accepting that realization I moped for a bit first of all for being so stupid to claim a day as my own and second because I had SO many words I wanted to share with my husband about the struggles I was dealing with- the burdens on my heart that facing this day, "Mother's Day" brought to mind.

So many people I know are trying to get pregnant. Some friends have lost babies in the last year. We have lost 2. Or one dear friend of mine is in her 60's and just told me that she was a mother at one time- her baby died when she was 3. I told her she is a mother- not was. She told me she's just now able to tell people about it. What an unbelievable amount of grief to have to carry. Another older friend would have been a fabulous mother but didn't meet the man God made her for until she was in her late 40's.

Today I was made aware that Mother's Day is emotionally difficult for so many precious women!

I have a dream of making a difference in Haiti and bringing a baby home.....

There's a burden on my heart for the children who are without mothers in this world. My heart breaks for those families who were ripped apart on January 12th in Haiti. I can't imagine how many children are without mothers and mothers who are without their children- and they feel this pain daily- not just today because of some american holiday.

There's more to this life than the "details" of our everyday unimportant routines. Instead of looking at what I'm missing in my own life- who's missing from my table this day or this week or month- I will remember those who have a bigger loss than my own.

Great Quote

Self-discipline is the ability to make yourself do something you don’t necessarily want to do, to get a result you would really like to have”

— Andy Andrews

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord

Have you ever been on the way to church and just wanted to turn the car around and go anywhere but church???? I don't really like admitting to feeling that way but in the last year I have felt like that quite a bit. Sometimes having people ask how I am doing or hug on me has made me feel "crowded" and I don't like feeling that way at all! I love people and I love being with the people I love! Today I felt like I didn't want to go to church.... on days like that- I have found that specifically God had a message for me that I was meant to hear! So despite being able to go home if I wanted to I went to church........

This morning we sang "Blessed be Your Name". When the introduction started my heart fell to the floor.... I closed my eyes and was praying- "God, I can't sing this song today, please Lord not today" But He gently told me to worship- in the midst of my pain- to praise Him. To surrender myself to Him. All of me. I lifted my hands in surrender and while they were lifted- I worshiped my God.

Philippians 4:18-19 talks about the offerings we bring..... "like a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Some of my favorite lyrics from the song "Blessed be Your Name" are:
Blessed be your name
When I walk through the desert place
Though I walk in the wilderness
Blessed Be YOUR Name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me.....

(these lines below always break my heart because they are so real to me)
Blessed be YOUR name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be YOUR NAME

You give and take away......

Sometimes God asks us to give until it hurts...... not so much to hurt us for He wants the best for us. But He does "give and take away"
Why? because as He gives to us- we Bless Him.... but it is oh- so much harder to bless Him when we feel He is taking something away.......

We have to bless Him in all situations.

Philippians 4:11-13 (Amplified Bible)
Not that I am implying that I was in any personal want, for I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am. I know how to live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want. I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

1 Timothy 6:6 "But Godliness with contentment is great gain."

It's hard sometimes to bless the Lord in all situations..... When we are hurt- worshiping/bowing before our Great God is humbling and at times I feel it's humiliating. Why? Because my soul feels unworthy of even approaching my Heavenly Father.... then I allow myself to see Him in that aspect- as my Father and it changes everything! He wants to hold me close to His chest and comfort me as only a Father can.

Even restlessness has a purpose.

Bless Him! Praise His glorious marvelous name in all situations!

Isaiah 61:1-3 (Amplified Bible)

THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound, To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor]and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion--to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit--that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

Today Jason was supposed to go take communion to friends of ours after church but he decided to go to church with a guy he grew up with instead of going to our regular service so I called to find out with the people if it would be ok with them for me to bring communion to them. They said sure! I was so excited! My first home visit. (I remember going with my daddy to visit shut-ins and make hospital visits after church on Sundays..... He set such a wonderful example!)

God has put a desire on my heart to minister to the sick or the hurting. At times I lack confidence because I'm a woman. Sometimes people frown on women in ministry- I used to also! I've spent alot of time praying and searching my heart and seeking God's will for this part of my life. I don't really know what He's going to do yet- I just know He's calling me to minister. Jason has prayed over me in this too- that God will continue to guide both of us and show us our area of ministry (together).
I fought this for a long time. I told God I couldn't be the person He was calling because I am a woman. He spoke to my heart and showed me I am not only a woman- I am His child and He has plans to use me!

So today was my first day visiting and taking communion to dear friends of ours.... it was a life changing experience. I planned to be ministering to them and it was very much the opposite in SO many ways. I shared the scriptures with them that the Lord had recently blessed my own heart with (the ones at the top of this blog) and we shared in the Lord's Supper and I prayed over them and we worshiped. I saw a man who is one of the strongest most Godly men I know, sob before the Lord and raise his hands in worship. He's battling cancer right now and it hurts him alot to lift him arms. It was amazing to see- to witness that- and share in that moment!

I hope you enjoy this wordy blog... I decided the other day that I love words!
Just what's been on my heart- it's out there now to be used for however God sees fit!

~Laura

Names.....

I have been thinking alot about names lately.... in my pondering moments I realized that names are special and hold deep significance! Katie has finally learned her WHOLE name! It's made up of 29 letters so it is sure a mouthful!

She has also learned how to spell "Katie" and can recognize it when written down! She is one smart cookie!

Itsy Bitsy Spider

Last night before bed Katie came into the office and decided to sing for us! I was glad my cell phone was close so I could capture the moment! Notice her accent when she says "wharshed the spider out!"

Empty.......

I must admit- I have been avoiding my beloved blog because of the commitment I made to myself to remain transparent when writing so that I would be free to share what's on my heart......

But here I am now so that's at least a step in the right direction, right?

It's been a long time since I sat down to blog. I've had lots of thoughts flying through my head but none of which actually landed on the keys of my computer in an attempt to turn them to English...... until now!

As I'm writing, I am listening to Kari Jobe.... her song "Healer" really ministers to me- it brings me to tears every time I hear it! I titled my blog today "Empty" because that's how I've felt lately.

Most of us have experienced loss in our lives- whether a job, a home, our marriage, or even through death a loved one. Losing someone or something that was important to us leaves an empty feeling in its place.
I recently experienced this in my own life.

Last fall Jason and I were excited to find out that we were going to have a baby around Easter. I may never understand why, but before we had the chance to share our wonderful news with many people our good news turned to heartache because our little child was called home to be with our Lord. My heart keeps remembering how different these next few weeks "should" have been if my precious treasure was still here. My arms and yes, even my heart felt empty. There were times when I got lost in the “what-if’s”, day dreaming or crying my heart out to God. Why does loss leave us feeling so empty? WHY? Because we have loved, treasured and held close to our hearts the person or thing that we are grieving the loss of.

In my prayer time this week, I asked God to “show me His ways” (Ps. 25:4) I love to pray that verse. It’s my way of surrendering to His plan and His purpose. This week has been difficult as I realized how different life was “supposed” to be and that our baby was expected around this time. I asked God to show me His comforting ways- To give me His Peace and to wrap me in His Love. As I cried out to Him, He showed me that He is no stranger to the loss I feel. His Son died too- For me and for you. (John 3:16) He knows that feeling- Empty.

I wasn’t alone in my emptiness, God knows my pain. In understanding that, I realized I was no longer empty- God in all His amazing glory- filled me with Himself. He took my pain and gave me peace that passes all understanding! (Phil 4:7)
This time of year we honor and remember the sacrifice that our Lord made for us..... and we celebrate that the tomb is empty! Jesus is not dead- He lives! I praise Him for doing such a marvelous thing- for not only living but dying and then rising from the dead to live forever!

Today I lift up my heart to Him, worshiping Him for His goodness and for showing me that Empty isn't always bad. In realizing that, I see and understand that my lovely baby- who was once being knit together in my womb is in the Father's ever loving arms. My baby is worshiping God at His throne and this Easter instead of welcoming a little Douglas into our home- my precious child is spending their first Easter with the God who gave us this reason to celebrate!

I praise you Jesus for leaving the grave empty and for filling my heart with Your sweet love!

In closing I want to share the lyrics from the song I am listening to: "I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know that You have come now, even if to reign upon my heart to remind me who You are." (Kari Jobe)

Wow- God has such a way to minister at just the right time. Those lyrics have filled my heart with His peace.

Late Night Bible Study

I spent alot of time last night just sitting at our Lord's feet- soaking up His goodness and having Him fill my heart with His perfect peace..... I enjoyed my time with Him as the house was quiet and I felt the freedom to let all my "responsibilities" wait as I treasured this opportunity to visit with my Heavenly Father.

Some of the following is notes from my journal this week, others just my thoughts as I share those notes.....


Songs for the week: His Strength is Perfect by Steven Curtis Chapman
Adonai by Avalon
Abba by Rebecca St. James
Love Her Like Jesus by Casting Crowns
How Beautiful by Twila Paris
Heart of Worship by Matt Redman

In my quiet time this week I've been studying the names of God. I've learned Adonai means "Lord, I surrender" and Abba means "Father". It was very unusual for Jesus to call God "Father" - almost bold- but Jesus taught us to receive God's fatherly, compassionate and protective love.......

Adonai: "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." Nehemiah 4:14

Adonay: Lord, Master- {From Praying the Names of God page 94}
"If we want to find the one key to everything good in life, we will need to approach the problem counter intuitively. Instead of operating by instinct, we will operate by faith. Instead of striving to do what we want when we want, we will strive to do what God wants when He wants. As we do, we will begin to understand that His lordship will not diminish or impoverish us but that it will bless us in surprising ways. Astonished by all the good He does in and through us, we will be able to echo the psalmist's praise, 'You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.' Psalm 16:2 "

The lyric from "How Beautiful" by Twila Paris really struck me this week.... "that we will live- just as He died- willing to pay the price......"

Psalm 73:25-26 says, "Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Praise God: (Adonay) He is the source of your life
He is more powerful than our most powerful enemies
(Abba) For His generous, Fatherly love
For His promise to watch over you
For His ability to bring good out of evil

Confess: (Adonay) Any disdain for the role of servant
Any tendency to live by fear and not by faith
(Abba) Any failure to take risks that faith requires
Any lack of zeal for God's Kingdom

In Secrets of the Vine by Bruce Wilkinson (pg 20) he asks the questions: "What is God up to in my life? And why isn't life turning out the way I expected."

Wow those 2 questions are things that I have thought about without really seeking God's opinion in the matter..... His ways aren't my ways- and for that I'm thankful because what He wants for me and what I would have for myself are at times totally different! I want to know Him more and hopefully in doing so my ways will become like His ways as He shapes me into the woman He would have for me to be! It's a constant act of surrender though- a daily, no- sometimes hourly effort to surrender my will and seek His will. As I raise my hands in surrender I choose to raise them higher in Praise of the God who has plans for my life- plans that are greater than my own. Jeremiah 29:11 & 13 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Our God is so big, so marvelous, and so loving that He can take even the most painful of life's circumstances and orchestrate something great to come from them! Isaiah 61:3 says, He plans,
"to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of His splendor."

When we go through hard times- in the midst of the pain- FIX your eyes on our Father, rest in His strength and know that (as it says in Isaiah 61:3) "there will be a crown of beauty instead of ashes" and it will be "for the display of His splendor."!!!!!


2 Corinthians 9:8 says, "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Homeschooling and Thankfulness

I realized this morning while I was going over shapes and colors with Katie that I am a 2nd generation homeschooling mom! Wow! That was a cool discovery!
Katie flew through her daily routine of assignments and was begging for more "school" so I pulled out the coloring sheet (pictured here) expecting it to still be a little hard for her. I was amazed with her diligent efforts to color ONLY inside the lines and with each direction I gave her ("color the circles on this page yellow", "color the triangle red" etc.) she surpassed my expectations!
We have one smart little girl on our hands!
Didn't she do a great job?

Thinking about Katie and I's home school journey and the memories that are yet to be made at the dining room table in the time ahead of us got me to reflecting on my own years as a "home schooled kid"..... there were days when I was sure that Mom's Algebra manual was wrong- of course my answer was the right one! LOL! It's funny how growing up makes something a person seemed so adamant about in the past seem so silly in the present!

Homeschooling blessed our family with many opportunities that other kids didn't get to experience..... one of my favorites was the Father/Daughter dance! As an adult I think about how great that was to turn the hearts of father's towards their daughters and to teach the daughters to trust their father's to guard their hearts for them! My first "real" Valentine's Day was February 14th- the year I was in 8th grade. Daddy and I got dressed up, hit a Checker's drive thru and headed to Orlando for Circle Christian School's idea of the best way to celebrate Valentine's day.... they were right!
That was a wonderful chance to spend quality time with my father!
We had a great time and made fabulous memories! In case you haven't noticed yet-I loved homeschooling- I enjoyed seeing my mom conquer the daily tasks of running a house and raising children. I loved trying to help her and learning from her as much as possible! I have been so blessed to have my momma- she's truly an amazing person! When I read Proverbs 31:25-31, her face and sweet smile always comes to mind! She has taught us, her children, many lessons on being godly- most of them she didn't even have to say one word! She lives a life that is a testimony of how we should be as Christians! Momma taught us to love spending time reading the Bible and understanding new things..... I remember her teaching us Berry kids Psalm 119:105 during our 1st year of homeschooling- "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path"! Wow! 15 years later those words that she impressed upon me (Deuteronomy 11:18-19) still ring so true in my heart!

Graduation is a big day for everyone- especially the graduate! On my graduation day I remember reflecting on my home school journey with momma...... and then at that moment I realized I owed them a debt I could never repay. I will always be overwhelmed with gratitude for the sacrifices my parents made to give me the life I had: sacrificing time, sleep, money (piano lessons, tennis lessons, voice lessons, violin lessons, etc.) among so many other things and as if those things weren't enough I know they prayed for me daily and that they still do! *sigh* WOW! I have AMAZING parents!
At my graduation ceremony a message was played for me as I walked to the front to receive my diploma... it was my daddy's voice and he read
Matthew 6:33, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you." My mom has taught me so much more than how to read, write and add!
She has shown me how to be a good wife by her example and a good mother!
I am proud to honor my parents with the way I live. I want to be the child in Proverbs 31:28 who grows up and blesses their mother. I want her to be as blessed to have me and I am to have her........... So Momma and Daddy if you find this blog one day- Thank you!
You are the best parents anyone could ever hope to have!

Quality Time

I love taking time to do the simple things.... last Tuesday Katie and I went for a walk together- we packed a lunch and drinks and some toys and just spent the day at the lake. As usual I had a million things to do at home- but I knew I needed to spend quality time with my God and my little treasure! It was a refreshing day!




God's been teaching me that the chores will wait. I miss the simpler life- reading, writing, journaling etc.- Just being still and reading my Bible and sitting at the Lord's feet!

Today I started reading a new book..... It's called "Call Her Blessed" and was written by Mr. and Mrs. Stephen B. Castleberry. I fell in love with the book from the introduction- here's a little bit of what stood out to me so far
page i-ii)
"Homemade bread is wonderful- as long as I still have time to kiss a hurt finger. Gardening and canning are great- as long as I can sit down each day and take my toddler on my lap for some hugs and kisses. And a home business ought to go by the wayside if I can't listen to a four year old describe the cute little frog he just found in a puddle in the driveway.

Does any of this ring true for you, too? Has the 'simple life,' or country living, or 'ministry', or something slowly seemed to take such precedence in your life also, that you can't remember the last time you just watched some of your little ones play in the sandbox for a while? I'm afraid that I am guilty of always thinking of something else I 'should' be doing. Has it happened in your life, too? Did you do things with your older children when they were little that you don't have time for with the little ones you have now?

Let's pray for each other. Let's all re-evaluate what we do each day. And let's take the time to read a book to the little guys, to listen to them when they want to tell us something, to smile at them and be cheerful to them. Let's truly love our husbands and children, and thereby the Lord, more than our schedules or some idea of how our lives should be that is not necessarily what He has called us to."

I hope it blesses you like it did me! Even to guys or families without children- simple is better. Take time to enjoy the little things!

Show me Your ways

Psalm 25:4-5
"Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long."

Sunset

I love going for walks in the evening beside the lake and seeing the sunset. Okeechobee has the most beautiful sunsets! Last night my mom came down and we walked 4 miles together- it was so fun!
We enjoyed a great time of fellowship talking together and making memories!

My Friends

Today I am thankful for the day we took this picture and for Katie and my sweet friends Cathie and Erin! *hugs*

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

My Momma

I am so amazed at how great my Momma is!
Her strength leaves me speechless!

Proverbs 31:25-31
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Skippy

I know to some it may seem strange for me to write my 2nd blog about a dog.... but today Skippy died and I decided when I started blogging I would be completely honest with myself and write what is on my heart.

I'm sad. He was my friend for a long time- 15 years! We grew up together! When I stop and think about all that has happened in the time I had him I realize he met just about everyone who means something to me (some several times)! He knew Mrs. Drevlow because I would take him for walks down to her house sometimes.... she would ask me how he was doing on the days he stayed home! LOL!
He met all of our childhood playmates and we sure had some good times with him! It's amazing to me to think that he was a part of 60% of my life- I was only 10 when we got him and he even got to play with my baby! That's so cool to think about!

So to Skippy- my faithful furry friend- I'm going to miss you!

Family

There was a time when "family" was just a dream.... but now it is my life!
I treasure the funny things that Katie says and I'm so thankful for my husband who works hard to that I can be a stay home wife & mommy. I love waking up to the smell of coffee- there's something sweet about knowing that Jason's been up for a while and he's gone the extra mile to do something around the house to let me know how loved I am! I love getting love notes from him too.... sometimes it's an email or a short letter on a grocery list or even a simple
"I Love You" written on a napkin and taped to the steering wheel.... *sigh*
I am SO loved!